Don't ask me how I found this, but I needed to do something to make myself laugh after all this 6.8% madness.
Enjoy.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Safe Sex. Indian Style
In Case You Don't Believe Me About 401ks Being Places for Your Nest Egg To Die...
Check out this blog from nytimes.com:
http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/25/so-much-for-the-401k-now-what/
At least I ain't the only one.
http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/25/so-much-for-the-401k-now-what/
At least I ain't the only one.
STEPS TO ECONOMIC RECOVERY
In a nutshell, this has been a terrible week (and it's not even Friday). As I began preparing for my graduation, I decided I would investigate options to refinance my student loans.
I can't afford a home. I can't afford babies. I can't even afford a new outfit. All my plans to buy an apartment this summer, ruined. The market has made me a victim. I've been running around scoffing in the face of the recession, and the shit has caught up to me. Last night, in desperation I text every man in my phone asking if they would take care of me, and I got one offer to throw me a fundraiser. Another told me to join the club because he can't even get the last $2,500 together to pay his tuition, so he won't be walking in graduation. NO response from the others.
2- If my company stock stays at $74 (which I cannot rely on because of this economy), I will cash it out in September, and that’s another $7,400. No, I don't care about the future returns. I may not be around that long. Gimme my money--NOW!
3- I will consolidate my wack a** Staffords in May after graduation and I will be very bitter about it. I will pay minimums and in another year, I will go ahead and refinance my mortgage (likely to be 2011) to include this waste of cash. I am sure by 2011, the economy will still be bad enough that mortgage rates will be lower than the 6.8% that the gov’t is charging me. Obama betta get on it fast. Otherwise, he will be hearing from me like my name was Michelle.
4- I will put no money into 401ks, or any other investment vehicle invented by the white devil EVER AGAIN. My 401k went from almost $16k last September to nearly half of that after Lehman crashed, and now after tax and early withdrawal penalties, all I will keep is $2,444.
Yes, $2,444.
When I called Vanguard, the chick pleaded "You can't react to the market...blah blah BLAH," and I said "What interest will I earn when my account hits ZERO?" She stayed quiet and responded, "Let me process that withdrawal m’am."
Makes you understand why people shoot up public buildings. Now I know what the Madoff victims feel like. From now on, I will trust only God, my mattress and my dad's guns. I'm bringing piggy banks back like it was the eighties (the last time our economy went to shit).
5- If I am lucky to make a commission at all this year, then that will also go under the mattress to help me accelerate the December 2009 due date.
All I have to say is where is my bailout?
But, guess what? All student loan refinance programs where discontinued a year ago.
So when I was signing off on Stafford loans at 6.8% thinking I would just get a better rate later, I was wrong. $109,000. At 6.8% over 10 years. You don't need to take Foundations of Finance to know that means only one thing: I AM VERY POOR.
I can't afford a home. I can't afford babies. I can't even afford a new outfit. All my plans to buy an apartment this summer, ruined. The market has made me a victim. I've been running around scoffing in the face of the recession, and the shit has caught up to me. Last night, in desperation I text every man in my phone asking if they would take care of me, and I got one offer to throw me a fundraiser. Another told me to join the club because he can't even get the last $2,500 together to pay his tuition, so he won't be walking in graduation. NO response from the others. Men are clearly useless. I see I have to get my own paper because no one else is supplying.
So after a day of being on the phone with realtors, mortgage brokers, federal loan consolidators, etc., here is the JMAR Economic Recovery plan:
1- I cannot buy an apartment until I save another $20k (I know, that’s mad money, and the realtor said it like I was playing myself to even call with questions. Does green mean nothing anymore?). This basically means if I keep saving $3,200 a month, I will be in my momma’s house until December 2009. I will look at my budget again, and see if I can get this up to $3,500. No new clothes. No expensive trips (thank god I am celebrating my graduation on the cheap side of Nassau because Paradise Island would have broke my budget). NO NOTHING, except an LIRR pass and some fruit.
So after a day of being on the phone with realtors, mortgage brokers, federal loan consolidators, etc., here is the JMAR Economic Recovery plan:
1- I cannot buy an apartment until I save another $20k (I know, that’s mad money, and the realtor said it like I was playing myself to even call with questions. Does green mean nothing anymore?). This basically means if I keep saving $3,200 a month, I will be in my momma’s house until December 2009. I will look at my budget again, and see if I can get this up to $3,500. No new clothes. No expensive trips (thank god I am celebrating my graduation on the cheap side of Nassau because Paradise Island would have broke my budget). NO NOTHING, except an LIRR pass and some fruit.
2- If my company stock stays at $74 (which I cannot rely on because of this economy), I will cash it out in September, and that’s another $7,400. No, I don't care about the future returns. I may not be around that long. Gimme my money--NOW!
3- I will consolidate my wack a** Staffords in May after graduation and I will be very bitter about it. I will pay minimums and in another year, I will go ahead and refinance my mortgage (likely to be 2011) to include this waste of cash. I am sure by 2011, the economy will still be bad enough that mortgage rates will be lower than the 6.8% that the gov’t is charging me. Obama betta get on it fast. Otherwise, he will be hearing from me like my name was Michelle. 
4- I will put no money into 401ks, or any other investment vehicle invented by the white devil EVER AGAIN. My 401k went from almost $16k last September to nearly half of that after Lehman crashed, and now after tax and early withdrawal penalties, all I will keep is $2,444.Yes, $2,444.
When I called Vanguard, the chick pleaded "You can't react to the market...blah blah BLAH," and I said "What interest will I earn when my account hits ZERO?" She stayed quiet and responded, "Let me process that withdrawal m’am."
Makes you understand why people shoot up public buildings. Now I know what the Madoff victims feel like. From now on, I will trust only God, my mattress and my dad's guns. I'm bringing piggy banks back like it was the eighties (the last time our economy went to shit).
5- If I am lucky to make a commission at all this year, then that will also go under the mattress to help me accelerate the December 2009 due date.
All I have to say is where is my bailout?If all else fails, you are welcome to visit me in Africa.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
