the height series: part two (lil dudes)

Part Two in the Height Series explores the phenomenon of the lil dude, or those men who measure 5'6 or shorter (yes, we realize that men who are between 5'6 and 6'0 occupy this in between space where they are tall enough to be acceptable to most women, and so they are not covered here). Whereas the big dude is often characterized by sexiness, the lil dude is often described as "cute" or "adorable," and is often overlooked by women. In fact, short men tend to be more successful in life because they easily avoid the distraction of random panties being thrown their way. This is often because they must compensate for being vertically challenged, which fuels their ambition in other areas. Some examples of famous lil dudes include: Ludacris, T.I., Danny DeVito, Lil Wayne, Nelly, Too Short, Sisquo, Ray J, Napolean among others. Furthermore, several celebrity couples boast a women who is TALLER than her man with or without heels, and so, although they might be a big dude for all intents and purposes, but they share the lil dude experience. Such famous couples include: Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez, Russell Simmons and the Kimora Lee (now divorced), Jermaine Dupri and Janet Jackson. In these instances, the man's success overshadows his height deficiency and his mate is willing to overlook other areas that might also be affected as a side effect of his shortness (small hands, small....).

Many women often write off the lil dude because they believe they can only find sexual satisfaction with a tall man, but this is not necessarily the case. In fact, these men are often willing to go out of their way to offer to please their women through cunilingus and other forms of sexual stimulation, particularly if their male member is of a below average size. Be warned, it can be a little disconcerting to witness a man with a baggy condom, but if he scores a perfect 10 in every other category and is determined to find other ways of pleasing his woman, this relationship may have what it takes to survive. Please note that just because a man might fall into the lil dude category, it does not necessarily mean that he will automatically have a small penis, and you may find yourself pleasantly surprised.

Nonetheless, in order to stay with a lil dude, you may have to condemn yourself to a life of flats, but luckily for you, this type of style is currently in. You may also be tempted to occasionally leave him for a big dude, but before doing this, one must consider your financial position in life without the presence of your lil dude. If you are reliant on your lil dude for shelter and/or cash, you should reconsider (particularly if your big dude falls into one of the categories described in the previous blog). If the situation looks grim, just hold on and find comfort in the fact that we are all the same height when the lights are off.

the height series: part one (big dudes)

There are seldom topics that arise so important they awake one out of their sleep at 2:29 a.m. on a Sunday, but this one could wait no longer. Lately, I have found myself noticing a trend in today's dating scene that merits some attention: the correlation between a man's height and (1) his personal achievement, (2) his sexual prowess, and (3) his propensity for relationships. My original hypothesis was that tall men, [ herein referred to as "big dudes"] defined as 6" or taller without the aid of shoe lifts or other devices, would be more successful that short men [herein defined as "lil dudes"]. Along with this assumption followed that they would be better in bed, and would therefore make better husbands. This blog post will discuss the research I did to prove this hypothesis, and the outcome of the information I have gathered. Extensive sampling was done to test correlation #1--career success. Men sampled were surveyed in bars, on NYC streets, the subway, academic environments, parks, restaurants, tattoo parlors, clubs, and gyms. To test correlation #2, we largely relied on second-hand information and anecdotal stories told by the women who helped to conduct the research on part 1. Correlation #3 was largely determined by the results of part 1 and 2 (eg. no job and wack sex was an indicator of poor relationship material), and so therefore it did not require separate sampling. In all instances, the data on the man's height was taken by observation, with the researcher taking into account the size of her heels to get rid of any bias. Information about career was collected through questions such as: "What do you do? Where do you work? How long will it be until you are off parole?"

I first began my study over a year ago, when I found myself back on the market after an extraordinarily long and useless relationship. As one could imagine, I was excited to go out and find my Mr. TALL, Colored, and Handsome. At 5'7", I want someone who could stand over my, hold me in their arms, and make me feel as safe and petite as a girl at 4'7". Given my height, this usually requires a man of at least 6"2" or better. This can be difficult to find, particularly among Hispanic men, whose origins trace back to the vertically-challenged Aztecs, Incas, and Mayas. Africans and their descendents in the Americas (eg. African-Americans and black Caribbeans) were most likely to pass this height requirement. White men, for all intents and purposes, were largely ignored in the study for reasons that merit a whole new blog. This quest to find a delicious, successful big dude inspired my research. Here are my findings:

Big Dudes:
These men are generally UBER sexy virtue of their rarity in society. Although it is not necessary their height is often accompanied by rather large muscles that induce impure thoughts of wall-climbing sex among the women that they meet. It can be particularly intoxicating when the dimension of the pectorals exceeds the size of a women's head, and this may cause her to overlook other important variables like, well, everything else. As a result of our study, we found that most big dudes can be placed in 5 major categories:

1- Postal workers: UPS, DHL, Fed-Ex, and the post office among others.
2- Transportation workers: truck drivers, men who work at the airport, cab drivers, train conductors and other MTA employees.
3- The "newly released": also referred to as the formerly incarcerated, jail birds, or ex-cons. Please also see our future post on "The Down Low."
4- Law Enforcement, the Military and/or Security
5- Construction workers

Please note: we purposefully have left out one key category that you may notice is missing: NBA players and other professional athletes. This is done intentionally, because let's be serious. How many of us will have the opportunity to date an NBA player?, and if you do have such an amazing opportunity, you would be more appropriately served by information on paternity suits, hookers and strippers. We have also left out the category of unemployed, because if a man discloses that he is in this predicament he should be overlooked until he can get his shit together.

As evident by the results of our study, our hypothesis was severly flawed and big dudes are no more successful than lil dudes (in fact we found the opposite). While every profession should be respected, the careers that these men choose are not necessarily the ones that will provide for the most comfortable lifestyle. The women in our study recommended proceeding with caution. We strongly urge you to avoid the newly released and marines returning from Iraq. While it is possible for these types to emjoy semi-regular lives, it is against the odds. Furthermore, because of the transitory nature of their employment, these men are capable of meeting hundreds of women within the span of a typical work day, and thus, they are more likely to objectify the women they meet because they view them as easily replaceable.

If you just cannot help yourself, we recommend keeping only the postal, transportation and/or construction workers to jump-off status [defined as a loose, casual sexual relationship in which both parties agree to always wear condoms and never discuss their other affairs], unless of course, you are the type to catch feelings. While Big Dudes often have an advantage over lil dudes in the sexual prowess department, the women that engage these men must be honest with themselves about the reality of his professional stature in life. While the potential to make excellent lovers is high, their achievement in every other department is lacking at best. Unless you are prepared to make all the money, then we would suggest that you avoid them. Your big dude may try to reward you by cooking and cleaning for you to compensate for his lack of funds, but at the end of the day, this may not be sufficient to make up for the long hours and bullshit you put up with just to put food on the table. You may also have to sacrifice things such as manicures and cute clothes because you will be so broke that paying your rent may involve a small miracle every month. If you find yourself discussing your man with your girlfriends and your sentences usually begin like "He is just so big but....", then chances are you are with a big dude on the fast track to nowhere.

If by the grace of God, you are lucky enough to find a big dude that does not fall into one of the above categories, GET ON YOUR GRIND and bag this man before other women snatch him. He is a valuable commodity that may one day even fetch a high price on eBay, given the state of society today. These men should be treated like kings. Women in our study recommended listening to Beyonce's "Cater to You" for inspiration on how to keep these men by your side: http://www.lyrics007.com/Destiny's%20Child%20Lyrics/Cater%20to%20You%20Lyrics.html

To see Destiny's Child perform this inspirational song, please visit: http://video.aol.com/video-detail/destinys-child-cater-to-you/921181560

disaster strikes

On April 30, my purse was stolen at Aura (Side note: The club is located on 18th between 5th and B'way. Do not go. The girls look like pitbulls and the guys look like Lil Wayne).

In a momentary lapse of my normally good judgement, I rested my exceptionally big, heavy, expensive bag on a speaker so that I could properly dance with reckless abandon, as if to put out a mating call for the single young gentlemen out there (Ladies, please learn from my mistake: never put your bag down unless you want it to walk away). The rest of the evening's events are a blur, but I do recall meeting one particularly cute guy, who had no sense of time, space or reality, because he thought it was appropriate to approach me as I was busy cancelling my credit cards. Although we never did exchange numbers, he has crossed my mind a few times since... you can imagine my sense of excitement when a twist of fate (with a lil help from facebook) has brought me one step closer to him. I came home the other night to a random friend request from a stranger. While I normally decline these, I recognized the Bank of America employees featured in the profile picture, who happened to be there the night of the crime. These young men are all good friends and have all pursued a career in personal banking (please note, this is not the same thing as a teller. I confirmed. I have been unable to confirm the salary, so if you have information on this, please post a comment). The following is an excerpt from a facebook thread that ensued between me and Mr. Bank of America, herein referred to as "BOA":

Facebook Thread #1:
Me (May 15 at 1:50am): Hi. I don't think I have ever met you, but I met your two boys in your profile pic at a party a few weeks back. I actually cursed out the dude in the middle (nothing personal, I had my purse stolen so I was a bit irritated). They were with this other dude that worked for Chase... I was actually trying to holla at him, but when things got heated, it broke up. If Chase boy is on facebook, tell him to holla at me. Please let him know the girl that got her wallet stolen at Aura says hi, and that if he is interested in opening my bank account, I am down.

-J Mar

PS. How did you even find me on here?

BOA (May 15 at 1:58am): Lol wow that is fuuunnnyyyy!!! I remember telling me the story but I didn't kno it was u. U were friends wit someone I knew and for some strange reason I clicked the add buddy thing. As u can see I don't have that many buddies cuz I only accept ppl I kno but something probed me to request u. That is just crazy. Lolol. We're guna have a field day wit this tomorow.

Me (May 15 at 2:02am): Who are you telling? I just called my friends hysterically laughing because we haven't stopped laughing about the whole thing since it happened. Tell dude in the middle I am sorry that I cursed him out, but at the time he was laughing about how the thieves through my sneakers in the street, and I literally blacked out. It was a tough night. I don't know any of their names, just that they were all trying to open a new bank acct for me. SOOOOO FUNNY. What's Chase Boy's name (so I can stop calling him that?) Is he on facebook. I want to request him. I really can't stop laughing at the irony of this all.....


Facebook Thread #2:
Me (May 15 at 10:49pm): can i get the invite to the champagne room? [in response to his status quote: "Champaign room halla!"] loll. i was hoping i would have heard from chase boy by the weekend.

BOA (May 15 at 10:51pm): Lol we didn't get up today but, we'll meet tomorow and see what's good. So who's that girl in the blue? Is that mine?

Me (May 15 at 10:55pm): in the turquoise? i got u. thats my best friend. i can make it happen, but u gotta bring chase through.

BOA (May 15 at 10:58pm): Lol. I see ur studyin ur mba effectively. I like ur business savy. Lolol

Me (May 15 at 11:06pm): u are horseplayin lol. can i at least get his name? im going out now. goin to grand. DJ CAMILO is spinnin. holla though. let me know the deal. i got u with shorty in the blue if thats who ur feellin. u scratch my back, i scratch urs.

BOA (Today at 2:06am): Lol. I don't mind scratching ur back but my itch is elswhere. Lol. Make it happen soldier.

Conversation over. Itch is elsewhere? Gross. There are ointments for that.

the booty text

We have all received them at one time or another, and quite frankly, a new phenonmenon has taken over. And I am NOT feeling it. The previously celebrated BOOTY CALL, an invitation for hot sex placed at late hours between two consenting adults, is now an endangered species. Electronic Evolution has taken over, and with the onset of text messages, it has been replaced by none other than the booty text.

Yes, booty text.

It has an awful ring, doesn't it?

This is because where the booty call often initiated sexy bantor between two horny individuals through human-like communication, the booty text just leaves you feeling dirty, like internet porn. The booty text offers no intimacy. It offers no opportunity to get excited at the sound of your lover's voice. It does not entice you to leave where ever you may be (at home, the club, a dinner, out with friends, Alaska etc.) at ungodly hours so that you can properly get your freak on and climb a wall:

"So... wassup? hun." Sunday. 3:09 a.m.

This? This after our last encountered ended over a month ago with me saying "I'm not interested in the late night creep" because (sigh) I actually want a relationship. So, as most twenty-something year old males do, they pretend to be deaf, disregard and choose not to give a shit about a woman's feelings. The ironic thing is that he might have gotten some if he would have at least respected the art of the booty call. You can imagine my disappointment. So I did what I thought was best. I looked at the phone, ignored how bad I wanted him, and then went back to bed, only to respond the next morning:

"Was asleep with you texted. Holla at me later...." Sunday, 11:01 a.m.

This I thought would somehow send the signal that I was not a whore, and that if he preferred to communicate in an adult fashion, we could do so at a later time.

Again, I must have not made myself clear. He did not "holla at me later." Instead he waited over 24 hrs to reply, and which point, he felt it necessary to put me back in my place, letting me know that I was nothing more than a crap shoot:

"I just though i'd take a chance with u sat. night. I was all ready to 'go' that night." Monday, 9:46 p.m.

So I did what any self-respecting woman would have done:

"Lose my phone number" Monday, 9:48 p.m.

Silly boy.... texts are for kids.