Ask for a Background Check

I almost passed out after reading this article in The New York Times. It appeared as part of their "Modern Love" column in this Sunday's Style section. Please read carefully and arm yourself. I know the point of this is to be open-minded, but this just scared me of what is out there even more. Everyone needs a little love, I guess.

Read the column:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/fashion/25love.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

Go Get Rejected.

Tis true that there is always an upside to everything, and I have finally found the silver lining to my recent man debacle. I WAS REJECTED!!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!! Part of why I write this blog is to help me (and hopefully you) make sense of all the craziness that happens to and around us day in and day out. And while I can't always understand why in the moment, taking a few minutes out of the day usually puts me a step closer to clarity. And it took a little Nas, a long commute and a good friend to help me realize that there is happiness in rejection.

INFORMATION IS KEY:

While I have been walking around with a "woe-is-me" attitude because I have been made celibant and lonely (and not by choice), I should have realized the beauty in the situation. At least I know. No one wants to be the rebound that lasts 6 years (yes, this happens, I personally know of women that have literally "waited" a man out, thinking it would end with white dresses and flower girls, and all they got was pat on the ass as the walked out). Wouldn't you rather know that there is ZERO potential when your investment and risk level is low? So at least now I know.

I DID IT, AND I DIDN'T DIE:
The second major exciting takeway from my recent rejection is that I was able to put myself out there--no not like that...get your mind out of the gutter. I mean, I identified something I wanted (whether it was meant for me or not is a different story) and I did what I could to get it. I have never in my 26 years ever communicated to a man that I was interested in him. I usually wind up with the one that pursues the hardest, chases the longest and after I exhaust from running (and with the aid of social lubricants like alchohol), I give in. Last New Years, my goal was to break this cycle, and be active in my selection, as opposed to sitting around waiting to be harpooned. And, if nothing else, I accomplished this. At least I can say that I was rejected by the most intellectual, and unequivocally handsome man I have ever known. Better to be rejected by smart and sexy than go out with the loser who can always do a lunch date because he never has a job.

I CAN STOP WONDERING, AND MOVE ON:
This one is simple, but not nearly appreciated the way it should be. Once you know, you can move on. And close the door (as necessary). There is no wondering because you gave it a go, and well, it didn't go. If it wasn't meant to be, then so be it, but at least you don't need to create fantasies or lose sleep wondering what woulda, shoulda, coulda because it can't.

So, if you're feeling up for it, put yourself out there today. Every day. As good friend said to me last night, after wine had numbed the original pain we suffered from our mutual recent rejections, "Put it out there. Why not?" Just to put it into perspective, think of how many doors have been slammed in the face of Black people over centuries. Without those doors closing, the desire for change would have never come about. And we would not have all eventually shared the historic moment that we did on January 20th, as we watched the inauguration of the first African-American President whether at home, out in the cold, online, on TV or the radio. You can't know what you want or appreciate what you have without these pains. Rejection is a part of life.

So go make face time with your boss to start talking about your professional development aka your promotion. Ask someone out. Tell someone you love them. Whatever it may be, go out and get yours. Even if it doesn't go your way, at least you will be better for it. Brighter days are on the horizon.

Desperate Times Call for Desparate Measures (And a lil Black Magic)

So Saturday, I was stuck home alone (clearly not following my own advice) and I wrote the saddest, most depressing blog (which I refuse to post, lest you all lose respect for me). And then I realized that it was time to take matters into my own hands. So I did what any desperate woman would do. I googled Voodoo spells. I stared and stared at my phone, hoping to get a text, a phone call, anything, with him begging for forgiveness and professing his love. This, given the historical data, is sure NOT to come. So I began searching for spells for unrequieted love, and found a couple of other gems. Ladies, please note this is to give us a good laugh, and by no means am I condoning black magic, voodoo, santeria or anything similar (although many viejas swear that this is how they kept their men at home). I recommend the good old fashion "let time heal/make me forget" approach. But if that doesn't work.....

MARRIAGE SPELLS:
Take a red rose flower on the petals of the flower; you may write the name of the person you love, after you have written the name of the person, you may take the petals dip it in the rose water and throw the petals outside the house of the person you love. This spell is very effective and has worked for many. Source: http://www.newspells.com/easylovespell.htm This one is useless to me--how do I look showing up outside this man's house with rose petal water? I think last time I checked, this is considered trespassing and/or stalking.

Take a picture of the person you want to get married to, keep the picture under your bed for 15 days, then remove the picture and sprinkle It with basin powder. After this is done stick your picture with this picture and chant these magic words 10 times every day for 15 days Ban bee patak kangfe Habzee Lubadi Zamboola. You will get married soon. Source: http://www.newspells.com/easylovespell.htm Ok, so this one I may give a try, except since we never went anywhere or did anything, so I don't have any pictures. Do you think it'd still work if I printed them off myspace and cut out his boys?

Another very strong marriage spell is done with the help of hair . You may take ten strands of your hair and 25 hair strands of the person you want to get married, You may combine both the hair and chant these words Tambur Chambur Marriage Kaban Kabiii Tumbaa. Then burn all the hair together and then very soon you will see miracles. Source: http://www.newspells.com/easylovespell.htm

It's a wrap. He has no hair. I'm done. The next spell is my absolute favorite. Proceed with care, so that you don't wind up with the reverse effect.

Penis Jinxer Spell
Heterosexual Females, along with gay men, may find this spell useful, particularly if their partner is prone to infidelity. It is a sure method of stopping a man from straying, in that it renders him unable to get an erection with anyone else but you.

Ingredients you will need...
*Blue penis candle
*African Ju Ju oil
*Citronella pure essential oil
*Voodoo doll
*Pubic hairs (surreptitiously taken from your man)
*Glue stick (the sort used for sticking paper and card)

After setting up your altar, take the pubic hairs and rub them across the glue stick, then stick them to the crotch region of the Voodoo doll. Using a new nail, write your man’s name on the blue penis candle. Then place the base of the penis candle between the legs of the doll, so it looks as if it is the doll’s penis. Now mix a little African Ju Ju oil and Citronella oil on the palms of your hands and rub them on the penis candle, stroking downwards. Then repeat the following charm seven times...

“Penis candle, oh penis candle,
as I stroke you with these oils,
Keep (name) nature from rising
for anyone but me.”

Light the candle and let it burn down by half-an-inch each day. Once it has burned out, your partner will be physically unable to stray again. Source: http://pages.zoom.co.uk/mystic/voodoospells.htm

Other sites worth noting:
http://www.afrikanvoodoomagickpowers.com/freelovespells.htm

I would highly recommend inner soul searching, prayer, and meditation before the above spells, but if you need a little extra help in the love department, good luck!

10 Ways to Get Over It (Fast)

1- Go out, with your girls. Get the crew together, you know, the ones that will be in the bridal party when you find success. Dance to reggaeton like the proud urban Puerto Rican that you are. He hated reggaeton, said something about it not being real reggae. Be sure to dance with a cute Dominican. Pretend that with each chorus you are causing the Jamaican erectile shrinkage.
2- Go out, with men. Any, with the exception of married or broke. Even suspiciously effeminate will do. Go out with short, fat, skinny, tall, young, old, bald, rich or boring. Go out with them and try new restaurants, have fun and feel fabulous. Don't make judgments; just force yourself out of your comfort zone. No funny business though.
3-Open your eyes to how many cat calls and stares you get. Even in a long coat and looking tired from no sleep. Let your hair bounce as you walk and remember that you look damn good.
4-After you have dated the short guy, the gay one, a few white ones and a few black ones, a couple of Puerto Ricans, sit down and re-prioritize your list. Yes, “the list.” Scratch off the line that list 6'4, 240 lbs, smooth caramel skin with a good vocabulary and able to cook a mean beef patty. Replace it with generous, open and honest. Throw in respectful for fun. Now find more men to go out with and see how you do.
5-When you get tired of wack dates, go out with girlfriends some more.
6-Change your hair color. Proceed with caution on this one. I only realized I do this when I went through old photos I had of previous boyfriends and my hair was different each time. Some of you may remember my brief one-month stint as a strawberry blond. That was me getting rid of the black veil of the unmentionable. This situation does not require nearly as drastic a measure. A touch up of the highlights will do.
7-Buy the Louis bag. Keep it in good condition for when you stay at the St. Regis. And no, you aren't waiting for a dude to pay. You and your girls got it.
8-L augh. A lot. At everything. Return to the lighthearted version of you, before you ever knew what disappointment was. You can't forget, but doesn't hurt to pretend a little.
9-Keep the ipod off Keyshia Cole, Mary, Lauren Hill or any other tear-inducing “he-played-me-and-I-may-die,” music that you may have on your playlist.
10- Remember your mom's words: there are good ones out there. Thank god spring is coming….

Happy Friday everyone :)

10 reasons (which I ignored) that screamed he is just not into me

Hey Ladies. Sorry I have been missing, but I was traveling a bit last week, and then on Monday, I got sucker punched, bad. I don’t want to hear of Talib Kweli, beef patties, jerk chicken, or Magnum wine for a very long time. My dad said no Jamaicans and I didn’t listen. I never listen. I don’t want to see caramel skin, bright eyes or nice teeth. This whole experience confirms that I need to get my eyes checked because I don’t see the obvious, and I need anti hallucinogens. Today I'm going to see this for what it was in hopes to never find myself in such a predicament again. The older I get, the more I hate to waste even a moment on someone who isn't worth. Doesn't matter if he was my man or not. You feel like your value is barely outpacing the dollar. I hope none of you ever find yourselves stuck in a Denver airport for 4 hrs because of inclement weather, only to be "dumped" over text message, and sob the whole 2000 miles home. Publicly. At least you had the window seat. This blog will see happier days, seems like I have been a bit of a debbie downer lately. If my sadness persists, I may purchase a Louis Vuitton purse.

That being said, here are the top 10 reasons that I should have cut it from the beginning.
1- When he stopped taking you to out after the third date, and all subsequent interactions consisted of watching tv on the couch, with sporadic trips to motels, not only was he not that into you, he straight up didn't like you enough to spend a dollar that didn't have an immediate return. He already had the milk, the cow, the chicken and the egg.
2- When you had your first "miscommunication," the cause of which you can't even remember, he had the balls to say "explanations are Monday through Friday, 9 to 5" after which all you heard was a dial tone, you knew he was not that into you.
3-After 3 wks post-hang up, he still never called and you had to dig through old phone bills to find it because you deleted him, and you finally gave in and sent a text and all he could say was "been lookin for you luv" like he didn't have a working number, you should have known he was not into you.
4-When you mentioned that you were frustrated with the situation because you wanted something more serious and it seemed like all he wanted was sex, to which he responded that the only reason he wouldn't date you seriously was because you didn't seem to want a kid anytime soon, to which you responded by practically offering to lose your birth control and buy a copy of "What to expect when your Expecting," he was lying to you and you believed ever word. Don't be so desperate.
5- When he would selectively answer your text messages, often pretending that he didn't get them until the next day, you knew this wasn't the case because blackberry messenger clearly indicates when your messages had be read, he just wasn’t thinking of you.
6- When you offered to cook curry chicken in heels, to which he replied he was becoming a vegan, there was not much left to do. He wasn’t that into you.
7- When you never met a single friend because you don't interact during the light of day or in public settings, you were letting him use you. You should have walked away after the vegan comment.
8- When you kept telling him how much you were feeling him, and all you heard were crickets, he was definitely not into you.
9-When you'd check to your phone and never have any messages from him, and you would call Verizon to make sure it wasn't broken and the customer service rep said “no bitch it aint broke, he don't want you,” you should have deleted him and saved your dignity.
10-When the baby story wasn't enough to get rid of you and he decided to tell you after you were seeing him for 7 months that he had been engaged before he met you and still has feelings for her, you meant nothing to him.


So the lesson learned: You can't expect him to give you the world when he wouldn't even give you a tic-tac. I won't do this again. I'm not the casual relationship type. I need it well defined and clear with all terms and conditions negotiated upfront. I'm not giving up, I tend to do that and go into months of hibernation (approx 4 months per year of dating is my average so for this occasion, I would normally estimate 2.3 months). No time outs this time. No need to attach more importance to the fiasco than I already have. I was just a rebound. Like a half-time show--a lot of skin and a bunch of fireworks, but over in a half hour. If you left to get a beer and piss, you missed me.

So why can't I get him off my mind? 10 ways to get over it tomorrow.

happy friday

I wanted to take the time to thank everyone who wrote me very personal, very touching stories of their own personal journeys this week. Since I have never really been in the habit of sharing my writing, I have never known the joy that it is to give words to someone's very struggle; or to realize that while you previously thought you were alone in this world, we all experience the same basic human emotions aka pyschosis. It is a gift to have people share themselves with you. It inspires me to do this more, and to continue to give myself to you.

Thanks to my college suitemates, who gave me the idea to start this blog a year ago when I used to get home from bad dates and send them recaps on facebook. Hope we stay friends for life.

Thanks to the 9 of you that were the very first to sign up for the email. You are my very first fans.

Thanks to the people that posted comments, you gave my words legitimacy.

Thanks to my blackberry, who helps me write a little all throughout the day. Without you, I couldn't squeeze something productive out of those precious extra minutes while on the train.

Thanks mami.

Thanks to one above, for giving me this day.

Add Organs to Items That Should Be Covered in Pre-Nups

I had to share this video clip. Apparently, Dr. Batista is suing his wife, a nurse, for his kidney back. He donated it in 2001 when his wife went into renal failure. After discovering that she slept with her physical therapist, he has filed for divorce. He is asking for either his kidney back (a procedure which is impossible and unethical) or $1.5 million dollars. I think it's safe to say that he wants her dead, just like the marriage. I also think it is worth noting that his last name is Batista. Only Latinos could come up with something like this--we do love 'em and leave 'em better than anyone else.

For more info, check out the full story on nydailynews.com: http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2009/01/07/2009-01-07_long_island_doctor_richard_batista_to_es.html

Why its better to go to work than to stay home sick

So apparently I have caught some weird viral throat infection, and have been quarantined by my doctor for the next few days. The following are the 10 reasons why, despite what you might think, you are better off going to work than staying home.

1-Because you didn’t go to the supermarket over the weekend, you have no food. You will wait it out until you get so hungry you can't take it anymore. And because there is a tennis ball living in your throat, you can't swallow anything anyway, so you figure food is not necessary. Lots and lots of tea. You will drink tea until you can't take it anymore. You will attack the only thing you have in the house. Packets of instant oatmeal. At least they are apple cinnamon flavor beause you ran out of splenda. You will eat several until you have been satisfied. You will lay down to relax and remember that the deliciously plain oatmeal packets that you have devoured were very old, and you forgot to check for maggots.

2- Since the maggot scare has unsettled you, you will turn on the television. Because the nation is in a recession, you canceled your premium cable channels. You have nothing worth watching. You will think to watch a dvd, but then you will remember that you canceled your netflix subscription. Commence staring at the ceiling.

3- You have nothing to do. So you think about work. You cannot stop checking your blackberry to make sure you didn’t mess anything up. You worry that you will be perceived as lazy and unmotivated, so you will be passed up for a promotion.

4- Now you are really paranoid. You will check in incessantly to make sure no one discovers the fuck up you have been keeping to yourself. Hopefully no one goes into your bottom left drawer, where you are hiding the evidence. You assume that they will find it because you didn't lock the drawer and they are all against you. They are probably all talking about you right now and conspiring to get you fired.

5- Now you wish you went in. You would have gotten them all sick, but who cares. They want you fired. Had you gone in, you could have coughed on the ringleader, the main enemy. And when she was out sick, you could have talked about her and conspired to get her fired. Bitch. You could have gotten her account list.

6- This will all become too much for you, and it isn't even 3 p.m. You need a distraction, so you will surf myspace and facebook. You will discover pictures of your love interest at a night club, cheek to cheek, with 2 skinny perms.

7- After seeing the picture of him and the skinny perms, you will overdose on Tylenol pms.

8- You will have to deal with the fact that you took too many happy pills, but the hallucinations will worry you.


9- You are convinced the hallucinations can't be just the Tylenol pms. You will start noticing other ailments, like possible fungus on your feet, imaginary carpo tunnel in your wrist, your blotchy skin, your abnormally fluorescent urine, and your thinning hair. You will go on webmd and research each of these individually, and you will conclude that they could only be caused by a Sub-Saharan bacteria, known to attack only monkeys, and now, you. You need MORE tylenol pms.

10- You will wake up the next day, and you will have gotten no rest and so you will not feel better. You will have to stay home an extra day. It will start again at reason 1.

Back to School

Lately, I have been getting a lot of questions from people asking about my thoughts on grad school, whether its a good time to pursue an MBA, and why I hate it so much, mostly from those looking to plan for the next phase of their life.

For many people, graduate school represents a means of achieving social mobility, an expertise in a particular subject matter or a necessary sacrifice to enter the profession of their choice (where would society be without medical schools?)

For me, graduate school has come to represent a whole in my pocket, a tarnish on what had been a stellar academic career, and proof that my early 20's were sheer confusion and madness. So naturally, today, on the first day of classes of my last semester, I am excited at the prospect of being released from what I have endearingly been calling my personal jail. Despite the fact that this will be one of the most strenuous semesters I will have to date--I'm taking 12 credits and working full time--I have never been more excited to walk into the overpriced bookstore or cut that last $18,000 tuition check. Fuck it, I might even buy a tshirt.

I have been preparing lists in my head of things I want to do when I'm done: return to Cuba, visit South africa, write a memoir, take a painting class, participate in a salsa competition.
I will be free from every notion of who I should be or what I should do: "Should do's" and "should be's" got me in this mess in the first place. And at the end of May, I will look back on this and accept that b-school just wasn't for me. I will add this $100k line item to my resume. I am sure it will be worth it some day, just don't ask me when.

I've hated every minute not just because despite being one of the more diverse business schools,

I am very often one of the only people of color in my classes (this is nothing new to me, this has been the case since I was 14). And it wasn't because my first semester stats teacher was a racist, sexist pig who told me he thought I had learning problems (to which I politely let him know that had I actually had learning problems, I am sure they would have surfaced PRIOR to me graduating from an ivy-league undergraduate institution or before being accepted to the #1 Part-time program in the country. Idiot!). And it wasn't because despite costing $1,400 a credit, we never had printers that work. I was even ok with the fact that everyone wore the same light pink button down with khakis and the same cheap sterling silver cufflinks (my brand strategy professor once commented that he felt like a memo should be sent to students letting them know that there was no place for khakis and cuffs at school. Clearly fashion is not our strong suit). To be honest, I have hard time communicating what makes the place so damn vile.

It wasn't until at a birthday party for a good friend that it finally made sense. While catching up with an old friend, who has since graduating starred in an original film showcased Sundance, a re-make of The Bluest Eye that had the opportunity to travel the Northeast, not to mention a few commercials and syndicated shows here and there, it dawned on me that I was just slightly bored with my choices.

She asked, "So what's new?" I had no real response.

"How is school?" the blank stare on my face gave me away.

"Jenn, what's your passion?" Crap. That question again.

That was the real jail. I like to read. I like to write. It's what I do. I like art and occasionally film.
Once I started graduate school, I just got too busy to write. I had even sort of forgotten how.

I did not write in my journal a single time from September 2006 to when I quit my last job at the beginning of 2008. I had nothing to write. Didn't make time to write. Forgot what it felt like to hold a pen. This from a person who keeps stacks of journals in her closet dating back to high school. I like to refer to this 2 year period as the dark ages. Where my undergrad experience was one of the most thought provoking, introspective, that just ain't how grad school works.

Nonetheless, I have never considered quitting, even when my stats professor told me I'd never make it through business school. And despite a gpa tht won't hit 3.0 (I tried, its statistically impossible), its enough to graduate.

I know that some of you have recently applied to graduate programs, which inspired me to write this. Whether you are pursuing degrees in Education, Psychology, Law or Literature, I wish you the best of luck. For those applying to Business programs, may god help you and the current economic crisis. You can use your stimulus package for textbooks.

For those of you in a similar predicament as I was just a few years back, where I was unfulfilled in my life and thought grad school sounded like a good thing to do, try therapy instead. Might save you money.

So back to answer her question, what's my passion?

This.

Thanks for asking, girl.

Happy (Real) New Year

Welcome Back!

For many people, this is the first day back to work and/or school in 2009! It is a known fact that the days immediately proceeding New Years are some of the most depression-filled of the year (I know, way to start off on a positive foot). This is because in the preceeding weeks we probably ate too much, drank like an alcoholic, and celebrated with certain family members and wondered "why me?". We reminisced of loves lost and thought about how much crack we must have been smoking to waste precious moments with such a weirdo and we promised ourselves that this would be the year that we finally "get over it." We spent too much on presents for people who didn't give us anything, we forgot to make that last credit card payment of the year (there goes my FICO score!), and our migraines are getting stronger just thinking about it.

But, New Year's represents hope.

And so on December 31st, we came up with a long list of resolutions meant to get us back on track--"Start the New Year right!"--we told ourselves, and so we made some (or all) of the following resolutions:

- I will lose [insert unattainable number] pounds by [insert ridiculously short time frame].
- I will not spend more than I make [until I can no longer manage the emotional hole in my heart without the aid of a credit card].
- I will go to church on Sundays [until that pesky habit I have of getting drunk on Saturdays and waking up next to random people of the opposite sex rears its ugly head] .
- I will seek a career change [until I realize it may take years to achieve the job of my dreams, in which I will do nothing, and stay miserable].
- I will stop smoking [but weed will not count. Neither will drunken cigarette binges].
- I will make new friends who are positive and inspirational [but always defer back to the ones that enable me in all my bad habits].
- If single: I will cut off all ex's [until I drunk dial them].

- If in an committed relationship: I will end it if he doesn't shape up by Valentine's Day [and if I do end it, I will probably realize that can't do better, in which case, I will come crawling back].


So instead, this year, I have opted to make smaller, less life-altering goals that will improve my character and bring me closer to the person I would like to be. Some are a stretch, but that's what goals are for, right?

Here they go:

- Write a little everyday, even if its just one sentence in my journal.

- Tell the people that I love how much I really care (and it can't be said too often). Make time for my family and friends, especially those that have been there for me over the years.

- Stop deleting men from my phone when I am upset, especially if I don't have the number memorized. It ends with me going through old cell phone bills and this is never good for my dignity. In a related vein, stop wanting him to fall madly in love with you. If he is the one, you will know. If he isn't, there will be another.

- Do things for others, without expecting anything in return. Volunteer again. Stop thinking about myself all the damn time, and realize how good I really have it.

- Be open and honest, stop hiding from difficult conversations because they make me sweat a little.

- Exercise everyday, even if its just a walk around the block (put the doritios down!)

Again, welcome back. Good luck with your own personal resolutions.... and Happy (Real) New Year!