Desperate Times Call for Desparate Measures (And a lil Black Magic)

So Saturday, I was stuck home alone (clearly not following my own advice) and I wrote the saddest, most depressing blog (which I refuse to post, lest you all lose respect for me). And then I realized that it was time to take matters into my own hands. So I did what any desperate woman would do. I googled Voodoo spells. I stared and stared at my phone, hoping to get a text, a phone call, anything, with him begging for forgiveness and professing his love. This, given the historical data, is sure NOT to come. So I began searching for spells for unrequieted love, and found a couple of other gems. Ladies, please note this is to give us a good laugh, and by no means am I condoning black magic, voodoo, santeria or anything similar (although many viejas swear that this is how they kept their men at home). I recommend the good old fashion "let time heal/make me forget" approach. But if that doesn't work.....

MARRIAGE SPELLS:
Take a red rose flower on the petals of the flower; you may write the name of the person you love, after you have written the name of the person, you may take the petals dip it in the rose water and throw the petals outside the house of the person you love. This spell is very effective and has worked for many. Source: http://www.newspells.com/easylovespell.htm This one is useless to me--how do I look showing up outside this man's house with rose petal water? I think last time I checked, this is considered trespassing and/or stalking.

Take a picture of the person you want to get married to, keep the picture under your bed for 15 days, then remove the picture and sprinkle It with basin powder. After this is done stick your picture with this picture and chant these magic words 10 times every day for 15 days Ban bee patak kangfe Habzee Lubadi Zamboola. You will get married soon. Source: http://www.newspells.com/easylovespell.htm Ok, so this one I may give a try, except since we never went anywhere or did anything, so I don't have any pictures. Do you think it'd still work if I printed them off myspace and cut out his boys?

Another very strong marriage spell is done with the help of hair . You may take ten strands of your hair and 25 hair strands of the person you want to get married, You may combine both the hair and chant these words Tambur Chambur Marriage Kaban Kabiii Tumbaa. Then burn all the hair together and then very soon you will see miracles. Source: http://www.newspells.com/easylovespell.htm

It's a wrap. He has no hair. I'm done. The next spell is my absolute favorite. Proceed with care, so that you don't wind up with the reverse effect.

Penis Jinxer Spell
Heterosexual Females, along with gay men, may find this spell useful, particularly if their partner is prone to infidelity. It is a sure method of stopping a man from straying, in that it renders him unable to get an erection with anyone else but you.

Ingredients you will need...
*Blue penis candle
*African Ju Ju oil
*Citronella pure essential oil
*Voodoo doll
*Pubic hairs (surreptitiously taken from your man)
*Glue stick (the sort used for sticking paper and card)

After setting up your altar, take the pubic hairs and rub them across the glue stick, then stick them to the crotch region of the Voodoo doll. Using a new nail, write your man’s name on the blue penis candle. Then place the base of the penis candle between the legs of the doll, so it looks as if it is the doll’s penis. Now mix a little African Ju Ju oil and Citronella oil on the palms of your hands and rub them on the penis candle, stroking downwards. Then repeat the following charm seven times...

“Penis candle, oh penis candle,
as I stroke you with these oils,
Keep (name) nature from rising
for anyone but me.”

Light the candle and let it burn down by half-an-inch each day. Once it has burned out, your partner will be physically unable to stray again. Source: http://pages.zoom.co.uk/mystic/voodoospells.htm

Other sites worth noting:
http://www.afrikanvoodoomagickpowers.com/freelovespells.htm

I would highly recommend inner soul searching, prayer, and meditation before the above spells, but if you need a little extra help in the love department, good luck!