Why its better to go to work than to stay home sick

So apparently I have caught some weird viral throat infection, and have been quarantined by my doctor for the next few days. The following are the 10 reasons why, despite what you might think, you are better off going to work than staying home.

1-Because you didn’t go to the supermarket over the weekend, you have no food. You will wait it out until you get so hungry you can't take it anymore. And because there is a tennis ball living in your throat, you can't swallow anything anyway, so you figure food is not necessary. Lots and lots of tea. You will drink tea until you can't take it anymore. You will attack the only thing you have in the house. Packets of instant oatmeal. At least they are apple cinnamon flavor beause you ran out of splenda. You will eat several until you have been satisfied. You will lay down to relax and remember that the deliciously plain oatmeal packets that you have devoured were very old, and you forgot to check for maggots.

2- Since the maggot scare has unsettled you, you will turn on the television. Because the nation is in a recession, you canceled your premium cable channels. You have nothing worth watching. You will think to watch a dvd, but then you will remember that you canceled your netflix subscription. Commence staring at the ceiling.

3- You have nothing to do. So you think about work. You cannot stop checking your blackberry to make sure you didn’t mess anything up. You worry that you will be perceived as lazy and unmotivated, so you will be passed up for a promotion.

4- Now you are really paranoid. You will check in incessantly to make sure no one discovers the fuck up you have been keeping to yourself. Hopefully no one goes into your bottom left drawer, where you are hiding the evidence. You assume that they will find it because you didn't lock the drawer and they are all against you. They are probably all talking about you right now and conspiring to get you fired.

5- Now you wish you went in. You would have gotten them all sick, but who cares. They want you fired. Had you gone in, you could have coughed on the ringleader, the main enemy. And when she was out sick, you could have talked about her and conspired to get her fired. Bitch. You could have gotten her account list.

6- This will all become too much for you, and it isn't even 3 p.m. You need a distraction, so you will surf myspace and facebook. You will discover pictures of your love interest at a night club, cheek to cheek, with 2 skinny perms.

7- After seeing the picture of him and the skinny perms, you will overdose on Tylenol pms.

8- You will have to deal with the fact that you took too many happy pills, but the hallucinations will worry you.


9- You are convinced the hallucinations can't be just the Tylenol pms. You will start noticing other ailments, like possible fungus on your feet, imaginary carpo tunnel in your wrist, your blotchy skin, your abnormally fluorescent urine, and your thinning hair. You will go on webmd and research each of these individually, and you will conclude that they could only be caused by a Sub-Saharan bacteria, known to attack only monkeys, and now, you. You need MORE tylenol pms.

10- You will wake up the next day, and you will have gotten no rest and so you will not feel better. You will have to stay home an extra day. It will start again at reason 1.