A Trip Down Memory Lane

The following list is a compilation of nicknames that have been utilized for men that have entertained us over the years. I am sorry if I didn’t get to include any of your favorites on the list. Please note that it is important to refer to men by using an epithet or colorful nickname until he deserves the proper respect of using his full government. This will keep you from unnecessarily catching feelings because every time you say his name, you will want to laugh.

• 6’7 aka Daddy of the Year – A man of great heights (literally) who is yet to acknowledge his two children in conversation, like he didn’t give out his card, with his website, which includes the bio.

• Nassau – Because he is from the Bahamas.

• Big Brother aka the Jamaican – Named for his pledge name which was found on google (yes, I google every dude I talk to. This is a must.) Also known for his country of origin, similar to Nassau.

• Big Body aka 6’4 240 – A bouncer with a rather large, notable physique.

• Tutti Frutti – Because we always wondered if he was really gay.

• Casper – Because this cat was ghost. Dated for two weeks, made shorty meet moms, and then disappeared.

• Romeo – Because he used to add an O to the end of his name when he hollered at chicks.

• Big Stick, Can’t Hit – Because he is obsessed with his own penis, and for the last 8 years, has never failed to mention its size in conversation, and he will NEVER hit.

• The German aka Nazi – Half-black, half-German, nickname depends on the status of the relationship.

• Nice Dude – Nice enough, just not that interesting.

• Don Lemon – Because he was on-air newscaster on a local cable station, the closet thing I ever came to the real thing.

• London - Professional soccer player and Teddy Bear. Jamaican by birth, but raised in London. You may remember him from "A Miami Tale" (see Thursday, June 5, 2008 post).

• The Stalker – Because he calls 20 times in a row, even after not speaking for months.

• The Jerk Off Guy – Jerked off on the first date before going to a mall. Needless to say, never saw him again. That’s just gross.

• Cosmos – Because he always references fate, the stars and other astrological phenomena.

• Midget aka the Arab DJ – This was just a bad experience all together. The only thing shorter was the dude.

• The Unmentionable – Because I am too afraid to say his name lest the devil may appear.

• Spaghetti – This one needs no explanation. If you can’t figure it out, you are reading the wrong blog.

• The 4 Davids – All from different boroughs. Queens, Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan. Everything but Staten Island, because who does Staten Island.

• Officer Fernandez – He was cop, although can’t remember the real name.

• Breeze: He introduced himself as Breeze. I said my name was the Wind. My friend said she was the rain. To which he replied: "well, we can all get together and make a thunderstorm." Later discovered he had too many kids to count. And his facebook status changed from married to single and back, regularly.

• Booz: Short for Booz Allen. Liked to grow out his facial hair to please women and had a thing for Jamie Foxx (yes, his sexuality was suspect).

• L.L. Bean: Best friends with Booz, and named for his affinity for boring sweaters. He also liked Jamie Foxx a ton, and was more interested in girls' resumes than anything else. Said suspect things like, "I was proud of myself today. I lost 2 lbs."

• Malcolm X: He was a whore all 4 years of college, until second semester senior year, at which point he decided he was going to turn his life over to Islam, and move to Saudi Arabia to play basketball. No joke. I wish I was kidding.

Who can forget the Bank Dudes, because there were several (this was last summer, before the collapse of the economy. All have since been laid off):

• Chase – Worked as a Personal Banker at Chase. Was on the simple side, but he looked like Method Man, so he lasted for a bit.

• Wamu aka the Hulk – Worked at Washington Mutual before it went under; also had a thing for body building that was rather disturbing.

• JP – Because he worked on the Investment side. Said things like “make sure you wear your drinking shoes.” Never actually went on a date, although I was included in his mass promoter-type emails inviting me to free parties.

• Bank of America aka Niga (NI- JAH, not the other n word) – The former name because of his employment, the latter because he was Nigerian, and referred to his boys as "Nigas."

• Goldman – Another one barely worth mentioning. Barely taller than the midget.

There was also a United Nations Series: a few Puerto Ricans, a Cuban, Grenada, Regular Black, Midwest Black, Down South Black, Harlem Black, Brooklyn Cats—Coney Island and Canarsie get special attention. The Bronx (my personal favorite, because even though I HATE the borough, every man I have ever dated has been off either the 2/5 or the 1/9). Dominican Republic aka Dyckmans. Panama. Two Half-Filipinos. Morocco (Yikes! Early blog readers will recall this one), and the list goes on.

So ladies, please be sure to find to retire the habit of referring to dudes by their real names, because nicknames just make it that much more interesting.