MEN on Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady"

Hey Ladies,

This book is ridic... I could write like EIGHT blogs on this. Work and school got me busy, and since I don't want to be laid off, I better get back to it. BUT, I wanted to share this clip because I went online to see what men thought about Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady" and found this....

These ignant A-holes are mad because they feel like "their secret" is out.....

UNREAL.

PS. Please get a copy of this book if you haven't already read it. I recommend informing yourself of the ignorant thinking out there so that you don't get blindsided.

If you meet any man that sounds like the fools on this clip, please back all the way up....quickly.

Safe Sex. Indian Style

Don't ask me how I found this, but I needed to do something to make myself laugh after all this 6.8% madness.

Enjoy.

In Case You Don't Believe Me About 401ks Being Places for Your Nest Egg To Die...

Check out this blog from nytimes.com:

http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/03/25/so-much-for-the-401k-now-what/

At least I ain't the only one.

STEPS TO ECONOMIC RECOVERY

In a nutshell, this has been a terrible week (and it's not even Friday). As I began preparing for my graduation, I decided I would investigate options to refinance my student loans.

But, guess what? All student loan refinance programs where discontinued a year ago.

So when I was signing off on Stafford loans at 6.8% thinking I would just get a better rate later, I was wrong. $109,000. At 6.8% over 10 years. You don't need to take Foundations of Finance to know that means only one thing: I AM VERY POOR.

I can't afford a home. I can't afford babies. I can't even afford a new outfit. All my plans to buy an apartment this summer, ruined. The market has made me a victim. I've been running around scoffing in the face of the recession, and the shit has caught up to me. Last night, in desperation I text every man in my phone asking if they would take care of me, and I got one offer to throw me a fundraiser. Another told me to join the club because he can't even get the last $2,500 together to pay his tuition, so he won't be walking in graduation. NO response from the others.

Men are clearly useless. I see I have to get my own paper because no one else is supplying.

So after a day of being on the phone with realtors, mortgage brokers, federal loan consolidators, etc., here is the JMAR Economic Recovery plan:

1- I cannot buy an apartment until I save another $20k (I know, that’s mad money, and the realtor said it like I was playing myself to even call with questions. Does green mean nothing anymore?). This basically means if I keep saving $3,200 a month, I will be in my momma’s house until December 2009. I will look at my budget again, and see if I can get this up to $3,500. No new clothes. No expensive trips (thank god I am celebrating my graduation on the cheap side of Nassau because Paradise Island would have broke my budget). NO NOTHING, except an LIRR pass and some fruit.

2- If my company stock stays at $74 (which I cannot rely on because of this economy), I will cash it out in September, and that’s another $7,400. No, I don't care about the future returns. I may not be around that long. Gimme my money--NOW!

3- I will consolidate my wack a** Staffords in May after graduation and I will be very bitter about it. I will pay minimums and in another year, I will go ahead and refinance my mortgage (likely to be 2011) to include this waste of cash. I am sure by 2011, the economy will still be bad enough that mortgage rates will be lower than the 6.8% that the gov’t is charging me. Obama betta get on it fast. Otherwise, he will be hearing from me like my name was Michelle.

4- I will put no money into 401ks, or any other investment vehicle invented by the white devil EVER AGAIN. My 401k went from almost $16k last September to nearly half of that after Lehman crashed, and now after tax and early withdrawal penalties, all I will keep is $2,444.
Yes, $2,444.

When I called Vanguard, the chick pleaded "You can't react to the market...blah blah BLAH," and I said "What interest will I earn when my account hits ZERO?" She stayed quiet and responded, "Let me process that withdrawal m’am."

Makes you understand why people shoot up public buildings. Now I know what the Madoff victims feel like. From now on, I will trust only God, my mattress and my dad's guns. I'm bringing piggy banks back like it was the eighties (the last time our economy went to shit).

5- If I am lucky to make a commission at all this year, then that will also go under the mattress to help me accelerate the December 2009 due date.

All I have to say is where is my bailout?

If all else fails, you are welcome to visit me in Africa.

Noel - silent morning

Trying to pass the time at work. My officemate just won tickets to Hot 97's Freestyle Extravaganzaaaa.... took me back to the days I used to listen to this.

Why do I still love this song? (This should be info I keep to myself). His vest is fierce.

Will Smith: Apparently the USA ain't racist anymore....

Just wanted to share this writer's response to recent statements made by Will Smith saying that the election of Barack Obama to the presidency somehow is evidence that America is no longer racist.

This response is pretty on point: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=15116190&blogID=471116768

A Trip Down Memory Lane

The following list is a compilation of nicknames that have been utilized for men that have entertained us over the years. I am sorry if I didn’t get to include any of your favorites on the list. Please note that it is important to refer to men by using an epithet or colorful nickname until he deserves the proper respect of using his full government. This will keep you from unnecessarily catching feelings because every time you say his name, you will want to laugh.

• 6’7 aka Daddy of the Year – A man of great heights (literally) who is yet to acknowledge his two children in conversation, like he didn’t give out his card, with his website, which includes the bio.

• Nassau – Because he is from the Bahamas.

• Big Brother aka the Jamaican – Named for his pledge name which was found on google (yes, I google every dude I talk to. This is a must.) Also known for his country of origin, similar to Nassau.

• Big Body aka 6’4 240 – A bouncer with a rather large, notable physique.

• Tutti Frutti – Because we always wondered if he was really gay.

• Casper – Because this cat was ghost. Dated for two weeks, made shorty meet moms, and then disappeared.

• Romeo – Because he used to add an O to the end of his name when he hollered at chicks.

• Big Stick, Can’t Hit – Because he is obsessed with his own penis, and for the last 8 years, has never failed to mention its size in conversation, and he will NEVER hit.

• The German aka Nazi – Half-black, half-German, nickname depends on the status of the relationship.

• Nice Dude – Nice enough, just not that interesting.

• Don Lemon – Because he was on-air newscaster on a local cable station, the closet thing I ever came to the real thing.

• London - Professional soccer player and Teddy Bear. Jamaican by birth, but raised in London. You may remember him from "A Miami Tale" (see Thursday, June 5, 2008 post).

• The Stalker – Because he calls 20 times in a row, even after not speaking for months.

• The Jerk Off Guy – Jerked off on the first date before going to a mall. Needless to say, never saw him again. That’s just gross.

• Cosmos – Because he always references fate, the stars and other astrological phenomena.

• Midget aka the Arab DJ – This was just a bad experience all together. The only thing shorter was the dude.

• The Unmentionable – Because I am too afraid to say his name lest the devil may appear.

• Spaghetti – This one needs no explanation. If you can’t figure it out, you are reading the wrong blog.

• The 4 Davids – All from different boroughs. Queens, Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan. Everything but Staten Island, because who does Staten Island.

• Officer Fernandez – He was cop, although can’t remember the real name.

• Breeze: He introduced himself as Breeze. I said my name was the Wind. My friend said she was the rain. To which he replied: "well, we can all get together and make a thunderstorm." Later discovered he had too many kids to count. And his facebook status changed from married to single and back, regularly.

• Booz: Short for Booz Allen. Liked to grow out his facial hair to please women and had a thing for Jamie Foxx (yes, his sexuality was suspect).

• L.L. Bean: Best friends with Booz, and named for his affinity for boring sweaters. He also liked Jamie Foxx a ton, and was more interested in girls' resumes than anything else. Said suspect things like, "I was proud of myself today. I lost 2 lbs."

• Malcolm X: He was a whore all 4 years of college, until second semester senior year, at which point he decided he was going to turn his life over to Islam, and move to Saudi Arabia to play basketball. No joke. I wish I was kidding.

Who can forget the Bank Dudes, because there were several (this was last summer, before the collapse of the economy. All have since been laid off):

• Chase – Worked as a Personal Banker at Chase. Was on the simple side, but he looked like Method Man, so he lasted for a bit.

• Wamu aka the Hulk – Worked at Washington Mutual before it went under; also had a thing for body building that was rather disturbing.

• JP – Because he worked on the Investment side. Said things like “make sure you wear your drinking shoes.” Never actually went on a date, although I was included in his mass promoter-type emails inviting me to free parties.

• Bank of America aka Niga (NI- JAH, not the other n word) – The former name because of his employment, the latter because he was Nigerian, and referred to his boys as "Nigas."

• Goldman – Another one barely worth mentioning. Barely taller than the midget.

There was also a United Nations Series: a few Puerto Ricans, a Cuban, Grenada, Regular Black, Midwest Black, Down South Black, Harlem Black, Brooklyn Cats—Coney Island and Canarsie get special attention. The Bronx (my personal favorite, because even though I HATE the borough, every man I have ever dated has been off either the 2/5 or the 1/9). Dominican Republic aka Dyckmans. Panama. Two Half-Filipinos. Morocco (Yikes! Early blog readers will recall this one), and the list goes on.

So ladies, please be sure to find to retire the habit of referring to dudes by their real names, because nicknames just make it that much more interesting.

Why we hate the corny dude

You went to sleep to avoid the reality that fine dude consistently ignores you despite the fact that you should have any guy you want. I'm beautiful you say. I have a big butt and a brain. What's going wrong? You rationalize, you get no response, you check your phone and nothing. And then the sound of a slight vibration awakes you. A missed call. Can't be. And from 718 number that you have never seen before. You get gassed and think maybe its fine dude who you are mildly head over heels even when he pays you no mind. You go to check your voicemail and you think finally, he has recognized the fabulous woman that I am and has come around.

Nope.

Fine dude is never coming around. Your heart nearly skipped 5 beats when you thought it was fine dude, but you have now discovered it is corny dude, and it makes you want to disconnect your service. You literally met him the same week you met fine dude last summer and you have been talking for what seems like too long and you've NEVER actually gone out. He calls from his home, his work, his cell--you have every possible number stored, and yet his calls are never announced. You have his every point of contact, and in the event that you actually wanted to get in touch with him there's no way you could ever say, I lost (one of your many) numbers. Left some wack message about possibly talking about arranging a time to hopefully hang out. Clearly he is not in sales because he never directly asks for the business. Calls you elusive. You laugh to yourself--not if you ask fine dude, I can't keep myself from blowing him up. And to make matters worse, you deleted corny dude from your phone (again) a week ago after fine dude hinted at the potentiality of "doing sumthin this wkend." But now, when there is nothing else in the pipeline, you entertain the idea of dating him because he is very tall, he isn't ugly and the story "we met in business school" seems to have a nice, safe, reliable ring, and it will help you justify the return on the MBA loans if it also yields an MRS (Ew. Just the thought makes you lose all interest in sex. You'd rather get cats). And now you are pissed at him and he hasn't even done anything, just because he isn't the other dude and he can't control the corniness.

So stop wondering why despite the plethora of dates, you are still very single. Stop chasing fine dude and it would be a good start. So you find yourself on your blackberry, digging through old emails from corny dude to find his cell (which is included in the signature of each note) becuase you don't want to call him at home.

Admit to yourself that not wanting you is not a desired quality, and there is no reason to act pathetic.

If fine dude is reading this, I hate you.... Call me (lol).

If corny dude is reading this, I am sorry that even though your lack of charm is mildly endearing, you are mostly a victim of circumstance. Your timing really stinks. Blame it on fine dude. See you Friday night.

Interracial Dating (The Effed Up Truth)

Ok, so let me start by saying that my original intention was to address domestic violence a la Chris Brown & Rihanna, but then someone forwarded me this link, a top 10 of interracial dating combinations, and I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or be mad.

Just wanted to share with everyone... Please note that in every scenario, black men just want to "hit it one good time." And from the looks of this list, Latinas never get with Asians.... things that make you go hmmm.

http://fiyastarter.com/fs-pages/fs-socgen-interrelation10.html

The Pursuit of Happiness (Psychology Today)

Happy Monday :)

This week is fraught with all kinds of topics that I can write about--namely the impending Hallmark Holiday which I refuse to acknowledge by name because I don't have someone to buy me flowers or chocolates--but today, I'd rather share an article that I read over a month ago, and have been meaning to share for quite some time. Don't ask me why I read Psychology Today, but I actually really enjoy the articles. I consider them therapy-lite, for those of us that want a taste of understanding and self-discovery without the clinical jargin.

Anyhoo, this article touches on some very true, yet often overlooked aspects of happiness:

- "Happiness" is not something to be experienced 24/7, yet modern society constantly encourages us to perpetually seek it. If we were happy all the damn time, how would we even know what it feels like anymore?

-Pain is part of happiness: That quick fixes (which I often indulge in, be it chocolate or new clothing) tend to be our way to temporary escape real emotions of sadness, disappointment, etc.--the icky stuff that we want to get off as soon as possible. The trouble with quick fixes is that you may never confront what's really underneath. If we confront the root of the problem, we may actually find ourselves closer to happiness, so therefore, by running, we really cause the opposite effect that we are trying to achieve...

- Simple, yet true: Some people are just born to be happy. I know, we all hate them, but some people just naturally see the bright side. The rest of us need a little of what they've been sipping on...

-Getting What You Want Doesn't Bring Lasting Happiness: Ain't that that damn truth. How many times have you struggled to get something you thought would solve all your problems, and in the end, it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be? The author suggest that for some of us the process of achieving your goals can be as rewarding, if not more, than actually getting there. Keep that in mind the next time you want to skip waking up for the gym.

Here's the link, so you can read on.... I really enjoyed it. Hope you can find something to be "happy" about today...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20081215-000001.html

Source: Flora, Carlin. "The Pursuit of Happiness," Psychology Today. January 2009

Psychology Today Magazine, Jan/Feb 2009

Last Reviewed 31 Jan 2009

Article ID: 4738

New Face of G.O.P. Brings a Brash Style (nytimes.com)

In case you wanted to get the scoop on Michael Steele, here's today's article from The New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/04/us/politics/03web-nagourney.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

The New Black on Black Crime: Michael Steele's Gang Violence

So if you having been paying attention to the news, you have probably heard the new chairmen of the RNC, Michael Steele trying to assassinate our modern day Camelot, the vision that has become Barack Obama and the First Family. He is making it his personal business to dead all stimulus packages and Cabinet nominations. It is like Booker T. vs. WEB DeBois and the New Negro, Part II. Michael Steele claims that he is out to rebuild the Republican party, appeal to the youth and ressurrect American family values. Gross.


To make a reference to the term Harriet Beecher Stowe made oh-so-famous, Uncle Tom, is an understatement.

It is not a coincidence that his party ran a platform that bordered hate speech, with Palin claiming that President Obama had been "pal-ing" around with terrorists, or making remarks about his being Muslim (which is untrue), as if that made him ineligible to run for the presidency. Seriously, for the Repubican Party to appoint this man as chairman of the RNC is as obvious a tactic as was adding Sarah Palin to the ticket as Vice-President, as if Hilary supporters were not going to see through this very tacky political trick. Black people are not going to flock to the Republican Party because Steele is appointed.


Just the contrary, their base--their small town, small mind America base is probably planning to abandon ship. Moreover, this underhanded notion that President Obama can only be taken down by another prominent Black figure basically undermines his whole platform of being the people's president, not just a Black President.



I am sure that right now white people in Kentucky are rioting in the streets. Pro-lifers are suffering meltdowns and KKK members are wondering how they lost their grip. If nothing else comes of this appointment, I hope its to disenfranchise the ignorant. Maybe they will stay home all together in 2012, and hopefully we will win by an even bigger landslide.

Ask for a Background Check

I almost passed out after reading this article in The New York Times. It appeared as part of their "Modern Love" column in this Sunday's Style section. Please read carefully and arm yourself. I know the point of this is to be open-minded, but this just scared me of what is out there even more. Everyone needs a little love, I guess.

Read the column:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/fashion/25love.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

Go Get Rejected.

Tis true that there is always an upside to everything, and I have finally found the silver lining to my recent man debacle. I WAS REJECTED!!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!! Part of why I write this blog is to help me (and hopefully you) make sense of all the craziness that happens to and around us day in and day out. And while I can't always understand why in the moment, taking a few minutes out of the day usually puts me a step closer to clarity. And it took a little Nas, a long commute and a good friend to help me realize that there is happiness in rejection.

INFORMATION IS KEY:

While I have been walking around with a "woe-is-me" attitude because I have been made celibant and lonely (and not by choice), I should have realized the beauty in the situation. At least I know. No one wants to be the rebound that lasts 6 years (yes, this happens, I personally know of women that have literally "waited" a man out, thinking it would end with white dresses and flower girls, and all they got was pat on the ass as the walked out). Wouldn't you rather know that there is ZERO potential when your investment and risk level is low? So at least now I know.

I DID IT, AND I DIDN'T DIE:
The second major exciting takeway from my recent rejection is that I was able to put myself out there--no not like that...get your mind out of the gutter. I mean, I identified something I wanted (whether it was meant for me or not is a different story) and I did what I could to get it. I have never in my 26 years ever communicated to a man that I was interested in him. I usually wind up with the one that pursues the hardest, chases the longest and after I exhaust from running (and with the aid of social lubricants like alchohol), I give in. Last New Years, my goal was to break this cycle, and be active in my selection, as opposed to sitting around waiting to be harpooned. And, if nothing else, I accomplished this. At least I can say that I was rejected by the most intellectual, and unequivocally handsome man I have ever known. Better to be rejected by smart and sexy than go out with the loser who can always do a lunch date because he never has a job.

I CAN STOP WONDERING, AND MOVE ON:
This one is simple, but not nearly appreciated the way it should be. Once you know, you can move on. And close the door (as necessary). There is no wondering because you gave it a go, and well, it didn't go. If it wasn't meant to be, then so be it, but at least you don't need to create fantasies or lose sleep wondering what woulda, shoulda, coulda because it can't.

So, if you're feeling up for it, put yourself out there today. Every day. As good friend said to me last night, after wine had numbed the original pain we suffered from our mutual recent rejections, "Put it out there. Why not?" Just to put it into perspective, think of how many doors have been slammed in the face of Black people over centuries. Without those doors closing, the desire for change would have never come about. And we would not have all eventually shared the historic moment that we did on January 20th, as we watched the inauguration of the first African-American President whether at home, out in the cold, online, on TV or the radio. You can't know what you want or appreciate what you have without these pains. Rejection is a part of life.

So go make face time with your boss to start talking about your professional development aka your promotion. Ask someone out. Tell someone you love them. Whatever it may be, go out and get yours. Even if it doesn't go your way, at least you will be better for it. Brighter days are on the horizon.

Desperate Times Call for Desparate Measures (And a lil Black Magic)

So Saturday, I was stuck home alone (clearly not following my own advice) and I wrote the saddest, most depressing blog (which I refuse to post, lest you all lose respect for me). And then I realized that it was time to take matters into my own hands. So I did what any desperate woman would do. I googled Voodoo spells. I stared and stared at my phone, hoping to get a text, a phone call, anything, with him begging for forgiveness and professing his love. This, given the historical data, is sure NOT to come. So I began searching for spells for unrequieted love, and found a couple of other gems. Ladies, please note this is to give us a good laugh, and by no means am I condoning black magic, voodoo, santeria or anything similar (although many viejas swear that this is how they kept their men at home). I recommend the good old fashion "let time heal/make me forget" approach. But if that doesn't work.....

MARRIAGE SPELLS:
Take a red rose flower on the petals of the flower; you may write the name of the person you love, after you have written the name of the person, you may take the petals dip it in the rose water and throw the petals outside the house of the person you love. This spell is very effective and has worked for many. Source: http://www.newspells.com/easylovespell.htm This one is useless to me--how do I look showing up outside this man's house with rose petal water? I think last time I checked, this is considered trespassing and/or stalking.

Take a picture of the person you want to get married to, keep the picture under your bed for 15 days, then remove the picture and sprinkle It with basin powder. After this is done stick your picture with this picture and chant these magic words 10 times every day for 15 days Ban bee patak kangfe Habzee Lubadi Zamboola. You will get married soon. Source: http://www.newspells.com/easylovespell.htm Ok, so this one I may give a try, except since we never went anywhere or did anything, so I don't have any pictures. Do you think it'd still work if I printed them off myspace and cut out his boys?

Another very strong marriage spell is done with the help of hair . You may take ten strands of your hair and 25 hair strands of the person you want to get married, You may combine both the hair and chant these words Tambur Chambur Marriage Kaban Kabiii Tumbaa. Then burn all the hair together and then very soon you will see miracles. Source: http://www.newspells.com/easylovespell.htm

It's a wrap. He has no hair. I'm done. The next spell is my absolute favorite. Proceed with care, so that you don't wind up with the reverse effect.

Penis Jinxer Spell
Heterosexual Females, along with gay men, may find this spell useful, particularly if their partner is prone to infidelity. It is a sure method of stopping a man from straying, in that it renders him unable to get an erection with anyone else but you.

Ingredients you will need...
*Blue penis candle
*African Ju Ju oil
*Citronella pure essential oil
*Voodoo doll
*Pubic hairs (surreptitiously taken from your man)
*Glue stick (the sort used for sticking paper and card)

After setting up your altar, take the pubic hairs and rub them across the glue stick, then stick them to the crotch region of the Voodoo doll. Using a new nail, write your man’s name on the blue penis candle. Then place the base of the penis candle between the legs of the doll, so it looks as if it is the doll’s penis. Now mix a little African Ju Ju oil and Citronella oil on the palms of your hands and rub them on the penis candle, stroking downwards. Then repeat the following charm seven times...

“Penis candle, oh penis candle,
as I stroke you with these oils,
Keep (name) nature from rising
for anyone but me.”

Light the candle and let it burn down by half-an-inch each day. Once it has burned out, your partner will be physically unable to stray again. Source: http://pages.zoom.co.uk/mystic/voodoospells.htm

Other sites worth noting:
http://www.afrikanvoodoomagickpowers.com/freelovespells.htm

I would highly recommend inner soul searching, prayer, and meditation before the above spells, but if you need a little extra help in the love department, good luck!

10 Ways to Get Over It (Fast)

1- Go out, with your girls. Get the crew together, you know, the ones that will be in the bridal party when you find success. Dance to reggaeton like the proud urban Puerto Rican that you are. He hated reggaeton, said something about it not being real reggae. Be sure to dance with a cute Dominican. Pretend that with each chorus you are causing the Jamaican erectile shrinkage.
2- Go out, with men. Any, with the exception of married or broke. Even suspiciously effeminate will do. Go out with short, fat, skinny, tall, young, old, bald, rich or boring. Go out with them and try new restaurants, have fun and feel fabulous. Don't make judgments; just force yourself out of your comfort zone. No funny business though.
3-Open your eyes to how many cat calls and stares you get. Even in a long coat and looking tired from no sleep. Let your hair bounce as you walk and remember that you look damn good.
4-After you have dated the short guy, the gay one, a few white ones and a few black ones, a couple of Puerto Ricans, sit down and re-prioritize your list. Yes, “the list.” Scratch off the line that list 6'4, 240 lbs, smooth caramel skin with a good vocabulary and able to cook a mean beef patty. Replace it with generous, open and honest. Throw in respectful for fun. Now find more men to go out with and see how you do.
5-When you get tired of wack dates, go out with girlfriends some more.
6-Change your hair color. Proceed with caution on this one. I only realized I do this when I went through old photos I had of previous boyfriends and my hair was different each time. Some of you may remember my brief one-month stint as a strawberry blond. That was me getting rid of the black veil of the unmentionable. This situation does not require nearly as drastic a measure. A touch up of the highlights will do.
7-Buy the Louis bag. Keep it in good condition for when you stay at the St. Regis. And no, you aren't waiting for a dude to pay. You and your girls got it.
8-L augh. A lot. At everything. Return to the lighthearted version of you, before you ever knew what disappointment was. You can't forget, but doesn't hurt to pretend a little.
9-Keep the ipod off Keyshia Cole, Mary, Lauren Hill or any other tear-inducing “he-played-me-and-I-may-die,” music that you may have on your playlist.
10- Remember your mom's words: there are good ones out there. Thank god spring is coming….

Happy Friday everyone :)

10 reasons (which I ignored) that screamed he is just not into me

Hey Ladies. Sorry I have been missing, but I was traveling a bit last week, and then on Monday, I got sucker punched, bad. I don’t want to hear of Talib Kweli, beef patties, jerk chicken, or Magnum wine for a very long time. My dad said no Jamaicans and I didn’t listen. I never listen. I don’t want to see caramel skin, bright eyes or nice teeth. This whole experience confirms that I need to get my eyes checked because I don’t see the obvious, and I need anti hallucinogens. Today I'm going to see this for what it was in hopes to never find myself in such a predicament again. The older I get, the more I hate to waste even a moment on someone who isn't worth. Doesn't matter if he was my man or not. You feel like your value is barely outpacing the dollar. I hope none of you ever find yourselves stuck in a Denver airport for 4 hrs because of inclement weather, only to be "dumped" over text message, and sob the whole 2000 miles home. Publicly. At least you had the window seat. This blog will see happier days, seems like I have been a bit of a debbie downer lately. If my sadness persists, I may purchase a Louis Vuitton purse.

That being said, here are the top 10 reasons that I should have cut it from the beginning.
1- When he stopped taking you to out after the third date, and all subsequent interactions consisted of watching tv on the couch, with sporadic trips to motels, not only was he not that into you, he straight up didn't like you enough to spend a dollar that didn't have an immediate return. He already had the milk, the cow, the chicken and the egg.
2- When you had your first "miscommunication," the cause of which you can't even remember, he had the balls to say "explanations are Monday through Friday, 9 to 5" after which all you heard was a dial tone, you knew he was not that into you.
3-After 3 wks post-hang up, he still never called and you had to dig through old phone bills to find it because you deleted him, and you finally gave in and sent a text and all he could say was "been lookin for you luv" like he didn't have a working number, you should have known he was not into you.
4-When you mentioned that you were frustrated with the situation because you wanted something more serious and it seemed like all he wanted was sex, to which he responded that the only reason he wouldn't date you seriously was because you didn't seem to want a kid anytime soon, to which you responded by practically offering to lose your birth control and buy a copy of "What to expect when your Expecting," he was lying to you and you believed ever word. Don't be so desperate.
5- When he would selectively answer your text messages, often pretending that he didn't get them until the next day, you knew this wasn't the case because blackberry messenger clearly indicates when your messages had be read, he just wasn’t thinking of you.
6- When you offered to cook curry chicken in heels, to which he replied he was becoming a vegan, there was not much left to do. He wasn’t that into you.
7- When you never met a single friend because you don't interact during the light of day or in public settings, you were letting him use you. You should have walked away after the vegan comment.
8- When you kept telling him how much you were feeling him, and all you heard were crickets, he was definitely not into you.
9-When you'd check to your phone and never have any messages from him, and you would call Verizon to make sure it wasn't broken and the customer service rep said “no bitch it aint broke, he don't want you,” you should have deleted him and saved your dignity.
10-When the baby story wasn't enough to get rid of you and he decided to tell you after you were seeing him for 7 months that he had been engaged before he met you and still has feelings for her, you meant nothing to him.


So the lesson learned: You can't expect him to give you the world when he wouldn't even give you a tic-tac. I won't do this again. I'm not the casual relationship type. I need it well defined and clear with all terms and conditions negotiated upfront. I'm not giving up, I tend to do that and go into months of hibernation (approx 4 months per year of dating is my average so for this occasion, I would normally estimate 2.3 months). No time outs this time. No need to attach more importance to the fiasco than I already have. I was just a rebound. Like a half-time show--a lot of skin and a bunch of fireworks, but over in a half hour. If you left to get a beer and piss, you missed me.

So why can't I get him off my mind? 10 ways to get over it tomorrow.

happy friday

I wanted to take the time to thank everyone who wrote me very personal, very touching stories of their own personal journeys this week. Since I have never really been in the habit of sharing my writing, I have never known the joy that it is to give words to someone's very struggle; or to realize that while you previously thought you were alone in this world, we all experience the same basic human emotions aka pyschosis. It is a gift to have people share themselves with you. It inspires me to do this more, and to continue to give myself to you.

Thanks to my college suitemates, who gave me the idea to start this blog a year ago when I used to get home from bad dates and send them recaps on facebook. Hope we stay friends for life.

Thanks to the 9 of you that were the very first to sign up for the email. You are my very first fans.

Thanks to the people that posted comments, you gave my words legitimacy.

Thanks to my blackberry, who helps me write a little all throughout the day. Without you, I couldn't squeeze something productive out of those precious extra minutes while on the train.

Thanks mami.

Thanks to one above, for giving me this day.

Add Organs to Items That Should Be Covered in Pre-Nups

I had to share this video clip. Apparently, Dr. Batista is suing his wife, a nurse, for his kidney back. He donated it in 2001 when his wife went into renal failure. After discovering that she slept with her physical therapist, he has filed for divorce. He is asking for either his kidney back (a procedure which is impossible and unethical) or $1.5 million dollars. I think it's safe to say that he wants her dead, just like the marriage. I also think it is worth noting that his last name is Batista. Only Latinos could come up with something like this--we do love 'em and leave 'em better than anyone else.

For more info, check out the full story on nydailynews.com: http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2009/01/07/2009-01-07_long_island_doctor_richard_batista_to_es.html

Why its better to go to work than to stay home sick

So apparently I have caught some weird viral throat infection, and have been quarantined by my doctor for the next few days. The following are the 10 reasons why, despite what you might think, you are better off going to work than staying home.

1-Because you didn’t go to the supermarket over the weekend, you have no food. You will wait it out until you get so hungry you can't take it anymore. And because there is a tennis ball living in your throat, you can't swallow anything anyway, so you figure food is not necessary. Lots and lots of tea. You will drink tea until you can't take it anymore. You will attack the only thing you have in the house. Packets of instant oatmeal. At least they are apple cinnamon flavor beause you ran out of splenda. You will eat several until you have been satisfied. You will lay down to relax and remember that the deliciously plain oatmeal packets that you have devoured were very old, and you forgot to check for maggots.

2- Since the maggot scare has unsettled you, you will turn on the television. Because the nation is in a recession, you canceled your premium cable channels. You have nothing worth watching. You will think to watch a dvd, but then you will remember that you canceled your netflix subscription. Commence staring at the ceiling.

3- You have nothing to do. So you think about work. You cannot stop checking your blackberry to make sure you didn’t mess anything up. You worry that you will be perceived as lazy and unmotivated, so you will be passed up for a promotion.

4- Now you are really paranoid. You will check in incessantly to make sure no one discovers the fuck up you have been keeping to yourself. Hopefully no one goes into your bottom left drawer, where you are hiding the evidence. You assume that they will find it because you didn't lock the drawer and they are all against you. They are probably all talking about you right now and conspiring to get you fired.

5- Now you wish you went in. You would have gotten them all sick, but who cares. They want you fired. Had you gone in, you could have coughed on the ringleader, the main enemy. And when she was out sick, you could have talked about her and conspired to get her fired. Bitch. You could have gotten her account list.

6- This will all become too much for you, and it isn't even 3 p.m. You need a distraction, so you will surf myspace and facebook. You will discover pictures of your love interest at a night club, cheek to cheek, with 2 skinny perms.

7- After seeing the picture of him and the skinny perms, you will overdose on Tylenol pms.

8- You will have to deal with the fact that you took too many happy pills, but the hallucinations will worry you.


9- You are convinced the hallucinations can't be just the Tylenol pms. You will start noticing other ailments, like possible fungus on your feet, imaginary carpo tunnel in your wrist, your blotchy skin, your abnormally fluorescent urine, and your thinning hair. You will go on webmd and research each of these individually, and you will conclude that they could only be caused by a Sub-Saharan bacteria, known to attack only monkeys, and now, you. You need MORE tylenol pms.

10- You will wake up the next day, and you will have gotten no rest and so you will not feel better. You will have to stay home an extra day. It will start again at reason 1.

Back to School

Lately, I have been getting a lot of questions from people asking about my thoughts on grad school, whether its a good time to pursue an MBA, and why I hate it so much, mostly from those looking to plan for the next phase of their life.

For many people, graduate school represents a means of achieving social mobility, an expertise in a particular subject matter or a necessary sacrifice to enter the profession of their choice (where would society be without medical schools?)

For me, graduate school has come to represent a whole in my pocket, a tarnish on what had been a stellar academic career, and proof that my early 20's were sheer confusion and madness. So naturally, today, on the first day of classes of my last semester, I am excited at the prospect of being released from what I have endearingly been calling my personal jail. Despite the fact that this will be one of the most strenuous semesters I will have to date--I'm taking 12 credits and working full time--I have never been more excited to walk into the overpriced bookstore or cut that last $18,000 tuition check. Fuck it, I might even buy a tshirt.

I have been preparing lists in my head of things I want to do when I'm done: return to Cuba, visit South africa, write a memoir, take a painting class, participate in a salsa competition.
I will be free from every notion of who I should be or what I should do: "Should do's" and "should be's" got me in this mess in the first place. And at the end of May, I will look back on this and accept that b-school just wasn't for me. I will add this $100k line item to my resume. I am sure it will be worth it some day, just don't ask me when.

I've hated every minute not just because despite being one of the more diverse business schools,

I am very often one of the only people of color in my classes (this is nothing new to me, this has been the case since I was 14). And it wasn't because my first semester stats teacher was a racist, sexist pig who told me he thought I had learning problems (to which I politely let him know that had I actually had learning problems, I am sure they would have surfaced PRIOR to me graduating from an ivy-league undergraduate institution or before being accepted to the #1 Part-time program in the country. Idiot!). And it wasn't because despite costing $1,400 a credit, we never had printers that work. I was even ok with the fact that everyone wore the same light pink button down with khakis and the same cheap sterling silver cufflinks (my brand strategy professor once commented that he felt like a memo should be sent to students letting them know that there was no place for khakis and cuffs at school. Clearly fashion is not our strong suit). To be honest, I have hard time communicating what makes the place so damn vile.

It wasn't until at a birthday party for a good friend that it finally made sense. While catching up with an old friend, who has since graduating starred in an original film showcased Sundance, a re-make of The Bluest Eye that had the opportunity to travel the Northeast, not to mention a few commercials and syndicated shows here and there, it dawned on me that I was just slightly bored with my choices.

She asked, "So what's new?" I had no real response.

"How is school?" the blank stare on my face gave me away.

"Jenn, what's your passion?" Crap. That question again.

That was the real jail. I like to read. I like to write. It's what I do. I like art and occasionally film.
Once I started graduate school, I just got too busy to write. I had even sort of forgotten how.

I did not write in my journal a single time from September 2006 to when I quit my last job at the beginning of 2008. I had nothing to write. Didn't make time to write. Forgot what it felt like to hold a pen. This from a person who keeps stacks of journals in her closet dating back to high school. I like to refer to this 2 year period as the dark ages. Where my undergrad experience was one of the most thought provoking, introspective, that just ain't how grad school works.

Nonetheless, I have never considered quitting, even when my stats professor told me I'd never make it through business school. And despite a gpa tht won't hit 3.0 (I tried, its statistically impossible), its enough to graduate.

I know that some of you have recently applied to graduate programs, which inspired me to write this. Whether you are pursuing degrees in Education, Psychology, Law or Literature, I wish you the best of luck. For those applying to Business programs, may god help you and the current economic crisis. You can use your stimulus package for textbooks.

For those of you in a similar predicament as I was just a few years back, where I was unfulfilled in my life and thought grad school sounded like a good thing to do, try therapy instead. Might save you money.

So back to answer her question, what's my passion?

This.

Thanks for asking, girl.

Happy (Real) New Year

Welcome Back!

For many people, this is the first day back to work and/or school in 2009! It is a known fact that the days immediately proceeding New Years are some of the most depression-filled of the year (I know, way to start off on a positive foot). This is because in the preceeding weeks we probably ate too much, drank like an alcoholic, and celebrated with certain family members and wondered "why me?". We reminisced of loves lost and thought about how much crack we must have been smoking to waste precious moments with such a weirdo and we promised ourselves that this would be the year that we finally "get over it." We spent too much on presents for people who didn't give us anything, we forgot to make that last credit card payment of the year (there goes my FICO score!), and our migraines are getting stronger just thinking about it.

But, New Year's represents hope.

And so on December 31st, we came up with a long list of resolutions meant to get us back on track--"Start the New Year right!"--we told ourselves, and so we made some (or all) of the following resolutions:

- I will lose [insert unattainable number] pounds by [insert ridiculously short time frame].
- I will not spend more than I make [until I can no longer manage the emotional hole in my heart without the aid of a credit card].
- I will go to church on Sundays [until that pesky habit I have of getting drunk on Saturdays and waking up next to random people of the opposite sex rears its ugly head] .
- I will seek a career change [until I realize it may take years to achieve the job of my dreams, in which I will do nothing, and stay miserable].
- I will stop smoking [but weed will not count. Neither will drunken cigarette binges].
- I will make new friends who are positive and inspirational [but always defer back to the ones that enable me in all my bad habits].
- If single: I will cut off all ex's [until I drunk dial them].

- If in an committed relationship: I will end it if he doesn't shape up by Valentine's Day [and if I do end it, I will probably realize that can't do better, in which case, I will come crawling back].


So instead, this year, I have opted to make smaller, less life-altering goals that will improve my character and bring me closer to the person I would like to be. Some are a stretch, but that's what goals are for, right?

Here they go:

- Write a little everyday, even if its just one sentence in my journal.

- Tell the people that I love how much I really care (and it can't be said too often). Make time for my family and friends, especially those that have been there for me over the years.

- Stop deleting men from my phone when I am upset, especially if I don't have the number memorized. It ends with me going through old cell phone bills and this is never good for my dignity. In a related vein, stop wanting him to fall madly in love with you. If he is the one, you will know. If he isn't, there will be another.

- Do things for others, without expecting anything in return. Volunteer again. Stop thinking about myself all the damn time, and realize how good I really have it.

- Be open and honest, stop hiding from difficult conversations because they make me sweat a little.

- Exercise everyday, even if its just a walk around the block (put the doritios down!)

Again, welcome back. Good luck with your own personal resolutions.... and Happy (Real) New Year!